Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Giving thanks when thanks are hard

I get overwhelmed a bit easier than most. Than again, my life is a bit more difficult than most. I'm not complaining on that, just stating that I recognize that the battle I fight daily is not really one that most of my friends would fight. But I do it gladly. Because there are things worth fighting for.

Lately things have been piling up. From the simple (the cost of beans and tortillas rose along with other necessary living costs) to the difficult (trying to deal with legal crap in various directions). My husband tries to shield me. He takes it on. He takes the flak when I'm the one who is saying "screw this... things are gonna get done". Lemme set this straight... he's the good one. He's the one who wants to believe that people are decent and buys the BS. People can be good, but some are just feeding others a line or really not keeping track of their own funds and opportunities. I feel for those who don't have either, but for the people who have both and squander it? Good luck. No pity from me. They have no time for my perspective, I have no time for them. I have never pretended that I will put other people ahead of my family. Only God belongs there. As to the rest, if you truly need it, I will help if I can. Provided it doesn't interfere with my first two priorities. But play me for a fool and I will cut that off quicker than anything.

My husband does his best to keep the outside influences from me, and as a contrast, keep the outside stuff safe from me. Because the truth is, I'm one stupid excuse from loosing it. I'm one more 6 cm cyst, you need this, he needs that but you don't qualify, scholarships available but not to you, do this and we will help you no wait we want more, not enough English yet too much English, not enough Spanish yet too much Spanish away from loosing it. And if/when I loose it, it would be spectacular. Think the best fireworks show in the world. No, I'm not homicidal or suicidal. I mean in a different way. Be it the electric company or regular people.

I have bipolar. I've been unmedicated for a bit too long. I own it. I'm working the legal system so that I can change the unmedicated part. But the bipolar part? That's forever. Then again, a lot of people would break given the right situation that have no mental illness. So I don't feel so bad. I've done more than many could. However, I've done less with more than what other have with less. Which brings on a guilt trip to end all guilt trips. But, I'm learning to accept my failures and live with my life.

The whole "Giving Thanks" thing has been hard to remember, but it's a lesson that has kept me going and sane. Yeah, things are lining up to kick our butt. That's life. However, we lose one thing that was meant to be lost to gain another or more. Something better. The fight isn't for naught. Lose a country, gain a different one as well as a new perspective. Learn or be doomed to a bigger loss. Some never learn. I'm determined. Loose a home, gain 2. Loose an opportunity, hey look! 3 new ones appeared.

Life is hard. It's like if a fire breaks out in three spots in your kitchen. Which do you put out first? What do you do if you can't get out and just call it a loss? I feel like I tamp out one fire for another to appear. But you know what? I'm not putting them out alone. Behind me, there are others putting out a spark I didn't see. I have an awesome support net in various people. And, for them helping me put out the fires I don't see....


You guys help me get through and remind me that none of us are alone. It could be as simple as a smile and kind word. It could be as profound as a hand up when I've fallen. It could be a passage in Church that strikes home. It could be a napkin from a stranger when a child has spilled their juice on me or funds when I'm picking between food or doctors...


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