Wednesday, November 16, 2011

North of the border

I've been putting off doing this blog, but needing to. It's cleansing, I think. So many things are running through my head. Everything I left behind that I miss, and the things I don't miss. I miss my memorabilia. The tokens of our lives that I've managed to keep through the many many moves. I miss my cats, even the pain in the rear end one. I miss having my own space... but then, it was never really mine, was it? It was his, it was hers, it was theirs... my stuff just occupied the space.

I don't miss feeling like that one who never fit in. You know, the one who laughs too late at the jokes without understanding them (usually the one who is the butt of the jokes), never has the right clothes, never has any friends. Yeah, that was me. I know some of you are thinking "What's new?" But it was new... I always had at least a few people I could meet with, laugh, and find support. I have that online, but there is something cathartic about walking around the malls with someone or meeting for drinks and dinner.

So, now I'm north of the border. It's what I've wanted, what I was ordered to do by the most unlikely of people. I'm minus my home, my pets, my things, and my dreams. I'm ready to put up a "Have you seen this?" sign on milk cartons, except I'm pretty sure I left those in Mexico too. Very few people buy milk cartons there, maybe I should hire a car with the blaring speakers to locate them.

I'm rebuilding; my kids are rebuilding. Honestly, they are rebuilding faster. They don't understand... they are just along for the ride and figure they might as well enjoy it. Y loves her school. She's understanding so much, and enjoying fitting in. She loves when I do her hair up in styles I learned there, which are a big freaking deal here. She loves not having a school uniform, she loves music class. I'm dreading the day of the recorders though, but I know when the time comes she'll love that too. L doesn't notice anything different. Pretty telling that... She is having a blast with everything, and finds something new everyday to get into. She misses her cousins though.

I however, I don't know where to go. How do I rebuild? How in the heck am I going to support 3 kids on my own? Who do I share all the day's activities with? Who is my port in the storm? I'll find the answers, or learn to live without that contact that I've missed so much. You would think I would be used to it, it's the same ol' stuff, just with a new place and new faces. I don't know that I will ever get used to it though... So for now, I'm North of the Border, but still far South of Sanity.


  1. I'm sorry that your family isn't together right now. Separation is difficult. On the positive side, the girls are content which makes your life easier, and they get to spend time with your parents. I remember the school in Mexico being less than ideal. And you have conveniences here which will make the tired pregnancy days better. Being lonely sucks. I'm right there with you.
    I'm not sure how permanent this move is. You have your fb support system. Give me a shout if you need to talk, vent, whatever.

  2. Never feel like you are alone during this seperation period. We have all been there at one point and know, that we are all here when you need to vent. Take care Amiga.

  3. Feeling like an outsider is never easy. One day your dreams will come true. It's just one step at a time my friend.

  4. I hope you find your rock to lean on soon. xx